Us. and Them

I'm been clean for 5 days now.
And sober.
Yes. I'm an addict. And for the umpteenth time in a row I have committed to kicking my addiction as a new year's resolution.
It's slowly killing me. It's damaging my health. It zaps my energy. It clouds my thinking. It makes me feel shitty.
But only after the short term high it gives me.
I'm addicted to food. Junk food.
I love chips. Chocolate. Deep fried things. Cookies.
Salty things.
Sweet things.
Sweet and salty things.
It's brutal. Really, really brutal.
I've discovered over the past 18 months or so that when I eat a paleo diet, otherwise known as the caveman diet (consisting only of meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds) that I feel a million times better.
I think more clearly. I have more energy. My MS symptoms get better (including my balance and ability to walk). I feel stronger. I work more efficiently. And I lose weight.
But yet I always fall off the wagon. I always relapse.
I tell myself all the reasons why this is so ridiculous.
"People are starving all over the world and yet I'm over eating."
"There is a food security crisis, including in our own backyards."
"My body is God's temple. I should treat it as that."
"I'm wasting money on crap when so many people around me are so very poor."
"I have a daughter who needs me and a wife who loves me."
"I'll feel and look so much better if I lose some weight."
But unfortunately, none of it works for long. I'm afraid that in 2 or 3 weeks from now I'll start to rationalize eating that bag of chips or chocolate bar and before long be right back at it again.

I have friends who are addicted to street drugs and alcohol. Lots of friends. I go to too many funerals for those who succumb to their addictions on the streets. I've been to 100's of them. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't remember many of them as I've been to so many.
Sometimes I hear my friends who have chemical addictions say the same things I say about my own addictions.
"I'm going to quit before it kills me". They do very well for a week, or a month, or even a year. Sometimes they even go to rehab. But more often then not they find their way back to the thing that they love, which is also the thing that will kill them. Addiction is truly a love/hate relationship. And addiction kills.
But once in a while it sticks. Every now and then someone pronounces that they are quitting.
And they do. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why this time it sticks. It isn't a result of some miraculous healing from God. It just sticks. Maybe they've tried 15 times before to quit and gone to rehab a dozen times, but they try yet again and for some reason, it works. Addiction is in fact a curable disease.
I won't dare to say that my problems are anywhere near as big as some of that stuff. They're not. But my addiction is very much killing me slowly. Just like theirs. Just like 'them'.
And I'm trying yet again to quit. With the hope that this time it will stick. I'm inspired by my friends on the street who keep trying.
Not just the ones that make it but by those who don't as well.
They have hope.
They try.
And try again.
And try again and again and again.
And when they're ready, I'll be right there to help them get into rehab yet again if they want my help.
And most of them don't have anywhere near the level of family and communal support that I do.
So I'm going to try again.
Maybe this time it'll stick.
I'll just have to wait and see.
And try. And hope. And pray

A pre-Advent prayer

Holy God, on this first Monday of November, we thank you for the wonderful fall colours all around us and the beauty of your creation in this season of transition.
We praise you for the wonder of the rhythms of how your creation works. For the reminders of your presence and your unfathomable imagination in the way that you have designed the universe.
We are overwhelmed by your greatness and even more amazed that despite the awesomeness of the cosmos, you still know and love each one of us by name.

Lord of all creation
We give you praise and thanks

Holy God, we remember in these days following the festivities of Halloween, that our places of business will turn their attention fully on the coming Christmas season, not so as to celebrate the coming of the Saviour of the world, but to manipulate the masses into buying their products.
We pray, dear Lord, for strength to keep our focus firmly on you and you alone in these coming days. Help us to find places of solitude where we can hear your voice through the noise of constant advertising and Christmas mayhem.
We pray to you, the God of unlimited imagination, for ways to show our friends and family that we love them at Christmastime by giving them gifts that bring life to your world as opposed to feeding corporate greed.

Lord of all creation
We give you praise and thanks

Holy God, all is not well in this world.
There are wars and rumours of wars all over the world.
There is famine, sickness, disease, and death.
Human trafficking is still on the rise all over the planet, especially in preparation for the coming Olympic games.
There are men, women and children in sweat shops all over the world working in unsafe conditions for meager wages so as to provide us with cheep clothing and useless stuff.
And here in our own country we have scandal. Politicians who value power over truth. Media who loves selling papers and TV time over telling the real story. And people who are allowing themselves to be redefined as taxpayers as opposed to citizens.

Lord of all creation
We give you praise and thanks

Lord of unlimited imagination,
Help us to imagine a new way to live.
A new way to shop.
A new way to think.
A new way to view the world.
A new way to love.
We pray that you’ll constantly remind us that you are with us and will never leave us.

Lord of all creation
We give you praise and thanks

Gratitude: a tribute

Well I guess I'm keeping up with my trend of writing one post every couple of months. It's kinda pathetic I know, but it is what it is.
On Thanksgiving weekend I found myself at a loss for words. Not in every area of my life, those of you who know me best would know I'm never short of having an opinion on something or other, but just in the area of being able to name what I'm thankful for.
Despite its many pitfalls, I'm a big fan of Facebook. But on that weekend, as I watched one status update after another outline what people were thankful for, I was handcuffed as to what to write. Not at all because I didn't have things to be thankful for, but mainly because I couldn't think of what was most important to me to write in just a few sentences of a status update.

So I was silent. Slightly paralyzed.

But over these past weeks I haven't been able to forget my dilemma.
What am I thankful for?
- I'm thankful for my family. My beautiful wife. My inspirational daughter. My 2 very loving sisters. My parents who I love and love me back and are still alive and well. My brother who I'll have a chance to spend some time with in a few weeks in Alberta. My 5 nephews; one of which is named after me. The list goes on.
- I'm thankful for my job. It's awesome. It's new and exciting. It's giving me a chance to expand my sphere of influence and develop some new skills. It's also bringing me closer to the streets than I've been in years as a result of being freed of the many administrative tasks I once had and allowing me to spend far more time with folks on, or close to, the streets.
- I have close friends. I have a home. A car. Toys. A church that I love. Music. Books. A fireplace. A TV and computer. A shelf of curry spices and tea making supplies. The list goes on. I'm so thankful.
Then another part of my dilemma was resisting the urge to post on Facebook the things that I'm thankful not to have to deal with.
- I'm thankful that I'm not homeless living in a shelter or on the street.
- I'm thankful my mother didn't feel the need to abandon me when I was a baby and leave me to be raised by the system.
- I'm thankful to never have been raped in prison.
- I'm thankful that I wasn't faced with the decision of having to sell myself on the streets for survival or die.
- I'm thankful that I don't live in a mud hut and have to struggle to find clean water and worry about where to find my next meal, whether or not men with guns will come and take me from my home and make me fight in their wars...
I'm truly thankful. But I didn't post that stuff 'cuz it mighta sounded kind of preachy.

So I remained silent. Still paralyzed.

Then last week in church, a week after thanksgiving weekend, the theme was yet again thankfulness. There was no sermon and instead there were a series of people speaking on gratitude in the midst of struggle. It was powerful. But the story that stood out was a video of my mother-in-law, Elaine Grant, who has lived in hospital for almost a decade due to complications from a surgery she had. She can't eat. She's bound to either a bed or a wheelchair. And she's dependent on caregivers for her daily survival. But she spoke into that camera, with the most genuine smile that brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it, about how truly thankful she is to God, for God, and for her family and friends. She's a true inspiration and model of grace, love, and gratitude.
I'm thankful she's in my life. She helps me get past my semi-regular self pity regarding my own health issues. Her life points me back to the reality of the many things I do have to be thankful for.
She embodies gratitude.
So this post is my tribute to my mother-in-law Elaine.
i love you mom.
And I'm so thankful for you.

Happy New Year...I mean Labour Day

This is that weekend when we find ourselves both reflecting on how fast the summer blew by and also planning for new fall season beginnings (school, church, work, etc). For me, this Labour Day weekend of reflection and preparation seems multiplied by a gazillion. There's so much that I'm leaving behind and there's also so much to prepare for.
16 years ago I was hired as director of The Friendship Room; a tiny Salvation Army drop-in center in the heart of Toronto for men and women who were on or close to the street. We were opened 5 evenings per week. The 5 of us on staff served dinners to those 120 or so people who came every day and it was a wonderful place to work. I inherited the motto of 'The Hand of God in the Heart of the City' when I arrived, and went about the business of making that the focus of everything we did.

Then we transitioned 14 years ago from that location to a new one which we called 'Gateway'. I took that motto with me and insisted that this be our focal point. We went from being a tiny drop-in center to a 108 bed shelter with 50 staff that served 320 meals per day that was opened 24/7. Those 14 years have been life changing for me-to say the least! Not only was the time at Gateway incredibly rewarding and challenging, but also during that time my family life was established. My wife and I had our wonderful daughter Cate and bought our beautiful home in our really great neighbourhood and we put down roots there.
At some point during my 14 years at Gateway I realized that people far and wide were taking note of the work that was happening at Gateway. We were developing a reputation, mostly positive, of being a little unorthodox in our approach to homelessness. People were noticing our counter-cultural, somewhat subversive approach to ministry amongst the poor. We did some very cool things at that place. We refused to slip into an institutionalized, policy-manual driven form of ministry. We insisted that this was work that needed to be focused on Jesus' example of how to live, and were driven by a central focus on mutually beneficial relationship building. As a result, we kinda stood out.

Due to the fact that I was the founding director of Gateway, its reputation became my own and now follows me wherever I go.

Thankfully, even though I have often been criticized far and wide for my approach to sheltering/ministry (some of it admittedly deserved), The Salvation Army has seen value in my contribution to its work and has offered me a new way to express my passion and skills. This opportunity comes at a perfect time in my life, especially in light of where my health has taken me particularly as it relates to my life with MS.

The 5 SA homeless shelters in Toronto are, for the first time in our history, going to be integrating (not amalgamating nor merging) under one management structure. The purpose of this is to have a more focused and coordinated approach to housing and homelessness in Toronto. Under the leadership of my long time friend and colleague Bradley Harris (he was the director of Friendship Room before I was), I will have the role of 'Mission Strategist'. This is a brand new position working for and with the shelter staff and the broader community/church. This position will be about engaging in conversation around our Christian mission, developing training opportunities for staff, and engaging in strategy around mission effectiveness. It will also include responsibility for the Causeway (www.thecauseway.ca), an initiative I've been working on for more than a year now, aimed at engaging the church in our work.

Again, it is the perfect job at the perfect time for me in my life. It takes away the things that drain my energy, that I am not great at and that don't bring me much joy. And it gives me the opportunity to focus on the things that I love to do like writing, thinking, creating, speaking, teaching, and mentoring. These things are life giving to me. They bring me joy. They bring me energy, which in light of how MS is affecting me these days, comes at a premium.
As one dear friend pointed out in an email recently, I am transitioning from the role of being a boss to that of an elder. (Which has come at an earlier stage in my life due to, yet again, my fading health.) It is a role of influence rather than of power.
And I am more than ready for it and excited about the coming chapter of this amazing journey God has set me on.
My heart is still here in Toronto. I believe my calling is still on these streets with the folks who call the streets their home. I too feel at home here. And I am ready to keep trying to be The Hand of God in the Heart of the City.
As always, I'd welcome your prayers.
Shalom

A Prayer for the City

"Heavenly Father, in your Word you have given us a vision of that holy City to which the nations of the world bring their glory: Behold and visit, we pray, the cities of the earth. Renew the ties of mutual regard which form our civic life. Send us honest and able leaders. Enable us to eliminate poverty, prejudice, and oppression, that peace may prevail with righteousness, and justice with order, and that men and women from different cultures and with differing talents may find with one another the fulfillment of their humanity;
through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

This prayer comes from that app I've been raving about. (Mission St. Clare) And it punched me right in the gut when I read it the other night. It's so timely. We're in an era when mayors of major cities all over North America are not exactly poster children for integrity and civic fairness, to say the least. We witness oppression and injustice play themselves out in city streets on dozens of different stages. We see racism playing a significant role (Trayvon Martin, for one giant example) in urban centers everywhere.

Some people would argue that God has left cities behind to rot and decay. Many Christians have bought into a belief that you have to go to the country in order to experience God because God does not dwell in the city. Some days it's hard for me to muster up the strength or even the faith to dispute that argument.

But on most days I know that's a lie. God is in the city and I get to experience Him here. I meet Him in the streets amongst my friends. I encounter Her at my work. I've experienced His presence on my bike while riding throughout the city. I get to hear Her voice when I sit in silence in the Don Valley or by Lake Ontario. I become more acquainted with God as I live out my life with my family amongst my wonderful neighbours. I grow closer to God when I listen to or participate in playing life giving music.

God is in fact here in the city. And I don't need to get in my car and drive to the country in order to find Him.

But I'll keep continuing to pray for this city and for 'the' city in general. Because it needs some big things to happen. There are too many people being left behind by our consumer driven, self-absorbed lifestyles. People continue to die while mayors continue to lie and cheat and steal. We need God to step in and shake things up. We need honest and able leaders (and that's not a 'left' or 'right' comment because I'm very aware that both sides are corrupt)

One of the things that drew me so powerfully to the work that I currently do at Gateway is the motto that I inherited;
"The Hand of God in the Heart of the City". It implied that God is in fact in the city. And it challenged me then and continues to challenge me now that as a Jesus follower, I don't get to sit around and wait for God to act. But that I am called, I am responsible, to act on His behalf as His child.

Oh Lord, even with this weakened and failing body of mine, give me the strength and courage to continue to try and be your hand in the heart of this great city.

amen

Summer Church

I haven't been going to church this summer. It's too hot and humid. My tolerance for humidity has significantly decreased from last year to this due to MS related complications. When it's humid I can barely put one foot in front of the other. It's hard enough as it is. So when I told my doctor about how I feel when I go to my wonderful yet old and non-air conditioned church, she told me I'd be wise to not go in the summer.

I'm taking her advice.

But it still feels weird on a Sunday after so many missed weeks to not be going. I feel some guilt. I miss the community. I miss the worship time.

So I've decided to try and worship in a different way on Sundays. This morning I got up early as usual, got on my hand bike, rode down into Taylor Creek, sat on a bench near a rustling river, took in the scenery and the gentle breeze, pulled out my iphone, and prayed.

"Pulled out your iphone?" you might ask. "That isn't usually on the list of tranquil things to do while trying to enjoy and take in the wonder of God's creation."

You're right. But there's an app! There's always an app. It's called 'Mission St. Clare'. (She's apparently the patron saint of cyberspace) It has daily morning and evening prayers, readings, and songs. It's my fave app by far, even better than 'angry birds', and I'd highly recommend it for you praying types. And when riding, it's hard to carry a Bible, prayer book, song book, and journal. But easy to carry a phone. So there's my rationale and I'm sticking to it.

This morning's prayers were so comforting. They reminded me yet again that God is God and that I am not. I was reminded that God is with me and always will be. I was comforted by the steadfastness and faithfulness of the God of the universe.

I needed the reminder that God loves me, that She is in control, and that He never changes.

The part about never changing was a crucial reminder to me today. Everything around me is changing. My health is in decline and so I'm doing necessary things to adjust. (I'm learning to drive with hand controls instead of using my legs so we can retrofit our car with those controls. I'm in physio rehab 4 hours per week. We're renovating the bathroom so as to make it safer for me to shower. I have qualified for wheel trans. I have leg braces. And everything is so crazy expensive in all of these areas it's bringing great stress on us.) Things at work are changing very quickly and mostly for the better (more on that in a week or so).

Everything around me is changing. It's hard to even process all that is happening right now.

So today I did in fact go to church. Not the one with 4 walls and great people, but the one at Taylor Creek.
The one where I watched a rabbit hop around me.
The one where I saw squirrels gathering food.
The one where I got to listen to beautiful music made by the many birds all around me.
The one where I got sniffed by the odd unleashed dog (and only one howled and ran away from me very fast after his sniff).
The one where I pulled out my iphone and read some important prayers and scripture passages that reminded me that God is with me every step of the way.

So today was a very good church day indeed.

Benediction (from my app)
'May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace in believing through the power of the Holy spirit."

amen

It's summer. And things are heating up!

Usually when summer arrives and winter is officially behind us, it’s a symbol of a time to come up for air, take a deep breath, and enjoy the slower pace of life and work for a couple of months.

But when you’re homeless, there’s no such thing as summer holidays.
There are no cottage plans.
No vacations to exotic destinations.
No long weekends.

In the streets it is business as usual. And at Gateway we are finding that to be true as well. We are very busy. There is much to do.

Here are some updates as to what we’re currently up to in order to do our best to respond to the needs and hopes of our friends on the streets;
1. All of the shelters in Toronto have been full since July of last year. So we have been asked to open 10 more beds, taking our total number of beds per night to 118. As space is an issue for us, we have purchased bunk beds and installed 5 of them on each floor of our dorms. We are now officially a 118-bed shelter and are still full and very busy.
2. 10 extra beds bring a domino effect with it that must be taken into consideration. With those beds comes extra revenue from our funder. But it also brings extra pressure on our building, our food and laundry services, and our staff. So with that extra revenue we will be hiring a 3rd case manager, which will be a dramatic improvement on our capacity to respond to our residents more comprehensively. As we don’t have an office for that case manager, we are renovating a little corner of our building in order to house that new employee. This is very exciting for us but is keeping us on our toes.
3. We also want to improve the condition of our drop-in and its washrooms. Right now they look worn down and institutional due to all of the traffic that we get every single day. So we have submitted a funding proposal in hopes of being able to replace the drop-in floor to make it look and feel warmer and less institutional. We are also hoping to renovate our drop-in washrooms so as to create a more dignified space to take care of the most basic of human needs.
4. Our Gateway Linens program is looking to expand. We have a proposal in for a very large contract that, if we get it, will double our whole program over night. It would take us to a 2nd 8-hour shift, add twice as many staff, and double the number of people we can train in our program.
5. I’m very pleased about the addition of our new volunteer coordinator/ community life director and newest member of our program management team, Jake Aikenhead. Since his arrival, we have organized and played in a softball tournament, are running a dental hygiene clinic, host Friday night games nights, developing a monthly concert series, planning an arts group, and are getting ready for our summer residents retreat up north. He is an exciting addition to our team.

These are just a few of the things we are up to that are keeping us very busy, to say the least. It is indeed a very hot summer. If you’re the praying type, we could definitely use your prayers in the coming weeks as we wait to hear from proposals, renovate spaces, and keep the Gateway moving steadily onwards towards our mission to be
‘THE HAND OF GOD IN THE HEART OF THE CITY’.